Okay, kids, I need to post something that's NOT about adoption, because I've just been reading all this stuff out there about the term "birth mother" vs. "first mother" and I feel a little...unsettled, and don't even want to get into that. (And I am beginning to doubt that I am cut out for writing about adoption at all, given all the controversy even within the "adoption community." Which is kind of a bummer because I've got a book outlined, and chunks of chapters written, and a really cool title.)
So, what shall we discuss?
Tiger Woods? No. Health care reform? Nope. George Snuffleupagus, uh, Stephanopoulos replacing Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America? (Seriously, he's bringing me down during my precious cereal-eating time. I miss the all-girl team of Robin and Diane.) Okay, I sort of did just talk about that. Glenn Beck (and my mother's apparent swallowing-of-the-FOXNews-Kool-Aid)? Good heavens, no.
Guess it's back to Facebook.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Adoption and the holidays
I am finally going to participate in one of the Open Adoption Rountables -- the topic this time is to write about adoption and the holidays. So here we go.
Lauren's birthmother (I'll call her Elise) saw Lauren several times in her first year, a couple of times in her second year, and now I can't remember how long it's been since we've seen her. Maybe this time last year? She mentioned at the time that she was planning to move out of state.
Last month I sent an email to Elise's mom (who had asked me way back when if I wouldn't mind sending pictures of Lauren now and then and I certainly don't mind as she is an extremely nice lady) to say thanks for the card and gift card she'd sent to Lauren for her birthday, and also a link to the pictures we had taken of Lauren. I asked her to share them with Elise since I didn't have an email address for her. She said she would do that, since she would see Elise at Thanksgiving.
On Thanksgiving day, I got a text message from Elise saying how beautiful Lauren is and how she can't believe she's three. She said she'd call sometime and that she had a bad cold, and ended her message with "lol."
I don't have a texting plan (what? I'm not 12), so I didn't text her back that day. I figured I'd give her a call closer to Christmas and offer to get together. In the past, she's always called us to ask to see Lauren, but I feel like I need to keep letting her know that she's welcome in our lives and in our home. Anyway, today I checked my phone for her number, and discovered it was an out-of-state number -- from the state she said a year ago she was going to move to. So I sent her a text (I figured it was worth the 25 cents or whatever Verizon's going to charge me for it) saying I see you've moved, give us a call when you're in town, we'd love to see you, blah blah blah. She texted me back right away and said that she's still in town; her dad bought her a new phone for her birthday so the number is from where he lives (which is kind of strange, but I'm thinking that she must still have plans to move there at some point). She ended by writing "my phone is dying, lol, text you soon!"
Okay, so what's the point of all this? It's the holidays, I'm texting with my daughter's birthmother. And I get the sense that she's moved on, as our social worker told us over 3 years ago would probably happen. That as time went on, and she dealt with her own feelings about the adoption, Elise would want to see Lauren less and less. That she would move on with her life, pursue her goals, etc. This is, apparently, pretty normal stuff in this world of open adoption. Doesn't happen to everyone, but it's not uncommon.
There's a part of me that finds this easier. It means I don't have to deal with my own feelings as much. I don't have to feel a pang of guilt when Lauren calls me "mommy" in front of Elise, wondering if she's hurt by that. I don't have to feel guilty about "taking her baby." (Yes, I know she's the one who made the adoption plan, but I still feel somehow like I "did" something painful to her and I like her very much and want the best for her.)
But not having Elise visit with Lauren also makes me sad for Lauren. Not so much now, since she's only 3, and although we talk about adoption, she doesn't get the concept yet. But for later. When she wants to know her birthmother. When she wants to know that Elise cares. When she's dealing with feelings of rejection.
I'm afraid we're going to lose track of Elise and when it matters to Lauren, I won't know where to find her. Luckily I have the connection with her mom, so that helps. I just want to be sure that if and when Lauren wants Elise in her life -- be it in the form of a birthday card or a hug -- I can give that to her. And I can't. It's not my choice. All I can do is keep the door open.
Lauren's birthmother (I'll call her Elise) saw Lauren several times in her first year, a couple of times in her second year, and now I can't remember how long it's been since we've seen her. Maybe this time last year? She mentioned at the time that she was planning to move out of state.
Last month I sent an email to Elise's mom (who had asked me way back when if I wouldn't mind sending pictures of Lauren now and then and I certainly don't mind as she is an extremely nice lady) to say thanks for the card and gift card she'd sent to Lauren for her birthday, and also a link to the pictures we had taken of Lauren. I asked her to share them with Elise since I didn't have an email address for her. She said she would do that, since she would see Elise at Thanksgiving.
On Thanksgiving day, I got a text message from Elise saying how beautiful Lauren is and how she can't believe she's three. She said she'd call sometime and that she had a bad cold, and ended her message with "lol."
I don't have a texting plan (what? I'm not 12), so I didn't text her back that day. I figured I'd give her a call closer to Christmas and offer to get together. In the past, she's always called us to ask to see Lauren, but I feel like I need to keep letting her know that she's welcome in our lives and in our home. Anyway, today I checked my phone for her number, and discovered it was an out-of-state number -- from the state she said a year ago she was going to move to. So I sent her a text (I figured it was worth the 25 cents or whatever Verizon's going to charge me for it) saying I see you've moved, give us a call when you're in town, we'd love to see you, blah blah blah. She texted me back right away and said that she's still in town; her dad bought her a new phone for her birthday so the number is from where he lives (which is kind of strange, but I'm thinking that she must still have plans to move there at some point). She ended by writing "my phone is dying, lol, text you soon!"
Okay, so what's the point of all this? It's the holidays, I'm texting with my daughter's birthmother. And I get the sense that she's moved on, as our social worker told us over 3 years ago would probably happen. That as time went on, and she dealt with her own feelings about the adoption, Elise would want to see Lauren less and less. That she would move on with her life, pursue her goals, etc. This is, apparently, pretty normal stuff in this world of open adoption. Doesn't happen to everyone, but it's not uncommon.
There's a part of me that finds this easier. It means I don't have to deal with my own feelings as much. I don't have to feel a pang of guilt when Lauren calls me "mommy" in front of Elise, wondering if she's hurt by that. I don't have to feel guilty about "taking her baby." (Yes, I know she's the one who made the adoption plan, but I still feel somehow like I "did" something painful to her and I like her very much and want the best for her.)
But not having Elise visit with Lauren also makes me sad for Lauren. Not so much now, since she's only 3, and although we talk about adoption, she doesn't get the concept yet. But for later. When she wants to know her birthmother. When she wants to know that Elise cares. When she's dealing with feelings of rejection.
I'm afraid we're going to lose track of Elise and when it matters to Lauren, I won't know where to find her. Luckily I have the connection with her mom, so that helps. I just want to be sure that if and when Lauren wants Elise in her life -- be it in the form of a birthday card or a hug -- I can give that to her. And I can't. It's not my choice. All I can do is keep the door open.
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