Dream Office

Oh, my, gosh, how stinking cute is this office?


I would love to do this in our office (which right now has two mismatched, strange-looking desks, a futon, papers strewn everyhwere and stacks of cardboard boxes with who-knows-what in them).

Someday...

Rejected

I sent a query letter to a literary agent for the first time last week. Her web site said she'd respond in 5-10 days. I got a form rejection email in 3 days. A very nice form rejection email, I might add.

I was not surprised (though I had conjured up fantasies of being able to say I landed the first agent I contacted) or devastated. I'm actually glad I took that step. And now I can send it to someone else. It only takes one "yes," right? Or a good self-publishing company and a few thousand dollars.

Anyway, at least I feel like I'm making some progress on a goal, which is not a bad way to start a week.

Shoes, Part III, etc.

Updating you on the riveting running shoe post...they didn't fit. Too narrow (imagine my surprise). Guess it's back to buying men's shoes. Which my current sneaks are, and when a friend's daughter was in a restroom stall next to me (and didn't know it was me) said, "Mom! There's a boy over there!"

Nice birthday on Saturday. Took Lauren to swim lessons, got my hair cut and colored (not exactly the Debra Messing-like red I was hoping for but still nice to be at the SAL-on), and out for a fantastic dinner with Bret and Lauren.

Lauren picked out her card for me, the cake, the ice cream and the ribbon on my present. All day she'd look at me and grin and say, "Mommy, it's your birfday!" That made turning 41, which is quite possibly the most un-exciting age to turn, totally worth it.

Sneaks

I just ordered a pair of semi-hideous running shoes (don't laugh; I read once that if you are, um, a bit bigger than average, you should wear running shoes for working out because they offer more support than cross trainers or walking shoes).

Anyway, my old ones were pretty broken down, but man, are athletic shoes expensive. Not like back in the day when you could go to Kmart for some $10 trax (were they even that much?).

Also, I have me some big old feet, so can't buy shoes just anywhere. I found a few pairs online and though I liked the way a couple of the others looked, I went with the least expensive pair. Only $48, but maybe a bit flashy.

So why did I buy 'em? Budget, baby. It's time to stop spending like it's 1999. Time to build up some savings, eat at home more often and, yes, buy shoes that might make me look like I'm wearing fat tropical fish on my feet. I'm actually okay with that. I feel good about this budget thing and am ready to make some changes in my life to have more money to spend on things I really want. Like this.

Burn Fat, Get Ripped and Improve Endurance

I can think of no better New Year's resolution than this copy from a spam email I just received (subject line above):

Shred Excess Fat
Gain Insane Strength
Unleash Raging Energy
Maximize Your Libido
Enjoy Wicked Pumps

I'm not exactly sure what "wicked pumps" are (arms?) but I'm going with the literal translation. Ah, yes, M. Louboutin, now that's a resolution.

Nothing to See Here

Okay, kids, I need to post something that's NOT about adoption, because I've just been reading all this stuff out there about the term "birth mother" vs. "first mother" and I feel a little...unsettled, and don't even want to get into that. (And I am beginning to doubt that I am cut out for writing about adoption at all, given all the controversy even within the "adoption community." Which is kind of a bummer because I've got a book outlined, and chunks of chapters written, and a really cool title.)

So, what shall we discuss?

Tiger Woods? No. Health care reform? Nope. George Snuffleupagus, uh, Stephanopoulos replacing Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America? (Seriously, he's bringing me down during my precious cereal-eating time. I miss the all-girl team of Robin and Diane.) Okay, I sort of did just talk about that. Glenn Beck (and my mother's apparent swallowing-of-the-FOXNews-Kool-Aid)? Good heavens, no.

Guess it's back to Facebook.

Adoption and the holidays

I am finally going to participate in one of the Open Adoption Rountables -- the topic this time is to write about adoption and the holidays. So here we go.

Lauren's birthmother (I'll call her Elise) saw Lauren several times in her first year, a couple of times in her second year, and now I can't remember how long it's been since we've seen her. Maybe this time last year? She mentioned at the time that she was planning to move out of state.

Last month I sent an email to Elise's mom (who had asked me way back when if I wouldn't mind sending pictures of Lauren now and then and I certainly don't mind as she is an extremely nice lady) to say thanks for the card and gift card she'd sent to Lauren for her birthday, and also a link to the pictures we had taken of Lauren. I asked her to share them with Elise since I didn't have an email address for her. She said she would do that, since she would see Elise at Thanksgiving.

On Thanksgiving day, I got a text message from Elise saying how beautiful Lauren is and how she can't believe she's three. She said she'd call sometime and that she had a bad cold, and ended her message with "lol."

I don't have a texting plan (what? I'm not 12), so I didn't text her back that day. I figured I'd give her a call closer to Christmas and offer to get together. In the past, she's always called us to ask to see Lauren, but I feel like I need to keep letting her know that she's welcome in our lives and in our home. Anyway, today I checked my phone for her number, and discovered it was an out-of-state number -- from the state she said a year ago she was going to move to. So I sent her a text (I figured it was worth the 25 cents or whatever Verizon's going to charge me for it) saying I see you've moved, give us a call when you're in town, we'd love to see you, blah blah blah. She texted me back right away and said that she's still in town; her dad bought her a new phone for her birthday so the number is from where he lives (which is kind of strange, but I'm thinking that she must still have plans to move there at some point). She ended by writing "my phone is dying, lol, text you soon!"

Okay, so what's the point of all this? It's the holidays, I'm texting with my daughter's birthmother. And I get the sense that she's moved on, as our social worker told us over 3 years ago would probably happen. That as time went on, and she dealt with her own feelings about the adoption, Elise would want to see Lauren less and less. That she would move on with her life, pursue her goals, etc. This is, apparently, pretty normal stuff in this world of open adoption. Doesn't happen to everyone, but it's not uncommon.

There's a part of me that finds this easier. It means I don't have to deal with my own feelings as much. I don't have to feel a pang of guilt when Lauren calls me "mommy" in front of Elise, wondering if she's hurt by that. I don't have to feel guilty about "taking her baby." (Yes, I know she's the one who made the adoption plan, but I still feel somehow like I "did" something painful to her and I like her very much and want the best for her.)

But not having Elise visit with Lauren also makes me sad for Lauren. Not so much now, since she's only 3, and although we talk about adoption, she doesn't get the concept yet. But for later. When she wants to know her birthmother. When she wants to know that Elise cares. When she's dealing with feelings of rejection.

I'm afraid we're going to lose track of Elise and when it matters to Lauren, I won't know where to find her. Luckily I have the connection with her mom, so that helps. I just want to be sure that if and when Lauren wants Elise in her life -- be it in the form of a birthday card or a hug -- I can give that to her. And I can't. It's not my choice. All I can do is keep the door open.